The Facts of Life

I've never been one to prepare for things. The only thing I ever practiced for was football and I wasn't very good at it. I never studied for a test, read a book in college, or paid much attention at my wedding rehearsal. That turned out great. I almost passed out as Shelly walked down the aisle. Basically, I don't prepare and I look perfectly calm. Then I suffer the ramifications. I decided to follow the same path with the baby.

However, with a baby I really think people should tell YOU what to get ready for rather than have to ask. (This is very different from people telling you things AFTER your baby is born.) Let's start at the beginning. (I'm going to do my best to be completely appropriate for all my young readers. Katy.) I had no idea that pregnancy could only occur in a specific amount of time during the month. I thought a woman could get pregnant at any time, except for the obvious. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. Sometimes it just makes you look like an idiot. Shelly thought I was an idiot. I'm not going to go into the details of what I specifically didn't know about baby production, and a woman's body, but let's just say nothing. Minus about 15% of key information.

I did know one thing. Puking is not fun. Puking in a car is worse. Our friends have shown us that. I never thought my lunch box would ever be puked in. Thanks for telling me people. Shelly puked a lot and it was not fun. I should have guessed this. The first main thing I wish both of us knew is, that immense pain you feel in month 8 ladies, might be your gall bladder. Get a doctor who knows something about pregancy and you won't have to suffer. And guys, you won't have to suffer either. Another tip fellas: A pregnant woman is always right, no matter what. Not a big change from normal life. I learned this one very fast.

I think movies have been completely irresponsible for they way they portray births. It's nothing like that, at all! If I had not had the presence of mind to look away, I could have seen some un-erasable images. The pushing did not last for two minutes. It took over an hour. There are no stirrups, only husbands and family members. And those babies don't come out looking all cute and perfect. They come out covered in goo, with a bulbous head, but still perfect, because they're yours.

I think the main thing has to do with the milk coming in. I thought as soon as Paige was born, milk would spring forth abundantly. Not so, my friends, not so. It takes a few days for this to happen. No biggy right? I mean, it's not important for babies to get food immediately. BIG TIP: If your baby is not getting enough food in the first 48 hours, he/she will become dehydrated and you'll have the scariest visit to the emergency room of your life. Brand new baby + Emergency Room = ZERO FUN! Thanks nurses and doctors for telling us to supplement with formula.

Oh, and that first night was murder! I remember, through a sleepy haze, asking Shelly if we could take her back. She said no. I still don't know very much. I have to ask Shelly when Paige is going to walk, talk, crawl, and pretty much do everything else. Shelly still thinks I'm an idiot but I change a mean diaper! One thing for all you future dads, it's not as hard as people say it's going to be. But Paige isn't a teenager yet so that statement is probably way premature.